a new challenge

Animal physiology... How am i going to survive? But for sure i'll give my best to ensure the students will get better knowledge of the subject, than the ones which have been before me...



Thanks Arthur's clipart

Procrastination is of evel and is my worst sin

Nothing more to add really...

By the way, below is a nice coloring page for you, when you are sometimes in trouble with procrastination... Well, it's nice in other times too...



Thanks to arthur's clipart

dream

Hey

I had the strangest dream. I had a baby. The father was there, when we came home, but we weren't together. I had a name, but i didn't name him yet. I wanted to name him Kaido Kõu.. Sounds pretty good :) But it was soooooo strange.. He was sooo incredibly beautiful. Haha and he talked already... i don't know how did that happen. And there were some kids in the yard, who draw pictures ... they also drew a picture of me and my friend.. and the baby, as we would of been together... My mom was there. And when Kõu was sleeping, we kept him closed in some box or was it a closed suitcase, but he was ok ... And the strangest thing about the dream was, that from time to time i think the kid was a fish or a whale... i didn't understand that really (a crazy dream, as i said)... So i remember putting a fish to swim... nono .. it had to be a whale.. i remember the blow hole. And i remember the sea. Swimming. An aquarium. ummmmm ... How did Kõu and the images of a whale fit together. I don't remember ... And me, i was really happy, but didn't know at all what to do. It all came kind of naturally though. And i was fine with the baby... I was peaceful and happy :)

hahahahhaahaa

What a strange dream.... Really freaky, but frighteningly real at some points...

Oh well, its a new day... a lot to do (not babies:)... )

alot to learn

back from batting

The zoo at nighttime is much more interesting than during daytime. Animals are curious about you... they come to you to find out, who you are.. if you are really really quiet. Specially the big cats and hyenas. The actual bathunt did not go very well. A few northern bats, but nothing more interesting really. I was hoping alot from the zoo territory in the beginning of the season. But it has been a dissappointment to be honest. There is a nice broad leaved forest patch in the zoo and i was hopin there mught be a few colonies of interesting batspecies in the cavities of older trees. But we have heard nothing more or less in the forest. Well besides northern bats, but you can hear them everywhere really.

I was hoping to go out still tonight. But i think i will not start bothering anyone this late... besides i have nobody to calll really... hmm ... what to do tomorrow?

Wow

The dance show was awesome. It was different, interesting, fresh, brilliant. Hah. The synergy amongst the group was great. They anticipated each others moves, as if the were one organism. They used contact a lot and succeeded in it. They almost weren't dancing but instead being the music itself. They were all different, but still somehow the same. The movements were different, but together it formed a whole. the best part was the interpretation of a nightingale song. Wow... id like to see that again. I have never seen anything like that before. Nothing more but the nightingale... All in all it was awesome!!!!!! I recommend the show to everyone, who cares about modern dance... and to everyone else to get just an extraordinary experience of movement and music.


And of the new studies. I finally went today to the Institute of Geology. It seams i might get a new chance to begin again and to chase a dream. It will not be easy. The lectures will be hard, but i want to give my best. First up is geology... followed by paleontology and mineralogy... WOW... i cant wait... mmmmmmmmm... finally i get to work with fossils... what ever it will take... and if it will lead up to a PhD position, even better... I have a feeling, this will bring all the positive change i need ...

HAH

Today a danceshow

I am already looking forward to the dance show in the Russian theater tonight. It has to be great!!!



"Accords" by ZOO\Thomas Hauert

And tomorrow I'll go to TTU to meet with the people of Institute of Geology. I am seriously considering of taking some subjects there, in order to get more knowledge of geology and specially paleontology. yeei!

And tomorrow we'll do the bat survey in the zoo territory. I hope the weather will be better. And we hope to find more bats :)

today

My day in pictures

I finally got to work and started cleaning up. All the stuff from the field practices is piled up and there is loads of it. So a lot of work to do, before the start of the semester.



lab is a mess right now



my pets, who are doing their job excellently.



waiting for the students...

Back home from work, i decided to go for a ride at the seaside. And i ended up having a picnic at the windy end of Paljassaare. It was a very nice evening. Windy but rather warm. Luckily i had also company. I was joined by a family of mute swans. They didn't care much of me. So we just were watching the sunset together.



the family



one wanted to stand out



going to the sun



bathing time



trying to catch the mood



and the wind



I'm mesmerized by the water sometimes



it holds the secrets



of something powerful



one typical picture is a must for a girl like me :p



The end

sound of the ocean by the U-theatre

WOW ... Really .. wow...

The pounding of the drums, perfect harmony of different instruments, perfect timing ... meditation... movement... all of it together. It is an experience worth having. Plus the venue of the concert, ruins of the Pirita monastery, they added to the efect. When i closed my eyes, everything vanished.. only the music remained...
Im glad i went there. I needed this now.... i wish it would of lasted longer ..
The way the big gongs go through you, its mystical, a little bit scary but wonderful... I had chills and goosepops :)

If you have the chance, go and see their performance.


http://www.utheatre.org.tw/eng/engopen.htm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2JFwriYV1g&feature=related

deeds

Finished with my moms wallpaper for now.. one room done. Looks pretty nice.

Wrote to my boss, to ask if i could get one more lecture for myself. Animal physiology, i know it is hard and that i am struggling to reach the level in order to teach. But im sure i could make the lecture better than it is now, so that the students would have better knowledge of general animal physiology than what they currently get.

i wrote to find out when danceclub is going to start and to the local folkloreclub and also to some dancelessons to see, if it would be possible for me to participate. I am terrified of going alone.. im terrified of not knowing how to dance well, of the others ideas over me, of nobody wanting to dance with me... But lets face it- I love to dance and i want to dance... even if i look like i do and even if nobody want to dance with me ... i still love to dance...

And i will call tomorrow to the Institute of Geology and talk with Olle to make an appointment. I want to look into the field of paleontology, if it will offer me more joy than what im currently doing. I have the feeling, that i want to learn more of paleontology. Maybe i will achieve even a position there... well at first just to help somebody out to do the dirty work or whatever... i just want to be there ... It will not be easy. But i know, that i need to do this, if i want any change in my life.



The earliest fossil bat (Icaronycteris)

ME

i have to take control somehow... we will see...

Words from a friend

To live your life so that it only seems for other to be ok, is not good for yourself.
Think through your thoughts and feelings and don't rely on others.
How long do you wait for somebody else to be always there to rescue you, when you are in trouble. It might not last forever.
Are you sure, you want to wait until everybody is tired from pulling you out, because they will not do it endlessly. Are you sure that is something worth waiting for.
If you do not love yourself and enjoy just being there, it is hard also for others to feel joy over you.
If you want somebody to love you, then you have to start loving yourself first.
It is not worth chasing things, which are no longer there or things, which will probably never happen.
If you are making the same mistake over and over again, then use your logic to figure out, what needs to be done differently.
Dont think things too complicated for yourself.
Being alone gives the oportunity to be free, to work with yourself and to think your own thoughts.
You have to practice to master it.
It is easy to let others decide over you and to let others deal with the problems you are having, to actually make a difference and to change thing for better, you have to act yourself and to work with yourself.
Anyone can do this.
To look yourself from the inside is propably quite scary.
humans are usually quite grose inside, egocentric maniacs.
But you have to jump into the hole, in order to clean its walls.
You can think about it for the rest of your life, which will come ropably sooner than you think in that case, or you can start doing something about it.
The longer you wait, the more tangled you will become and the greater the possibility is that you will parish under the big pile of stress one day.
Start doing something today.

My friends words are true. I love You

black.. pitch black

life

cool

I just might end up in forum again today!!!!!!!! That means dancing until the morning sun greets us :)

NEWS

I am not human. It was decided that i am a greater blond estonian bat (Nyctalus lasiopterus estonicus) instead.... a new species for Earth :)

night

can't sleep... too many thoughts...

FORUM

A small metal bunker, which has a small bar in it in Pelgulinna. HAH ... i really like that place. Mainly russianspeaking folks, but lately i have noticed, that Estonian language is slowly overpowering the Russian. My friend took me there almost a year ago. First it is a bit of a culture shock. Hah he has seen one person getting killed there and occasionally also fights, so you really have to take care of what you are actually speaking of and to whom. But still the atmosphere is worth visiting the Forum. Everybody is equal there and welcome to join the small dance floor - old and young, more drunk and less drunk, fat and thin ... it doesn't matter, what matters is that everybody is having fun and letting go. And the communication amongst people there is overall different somehow. I don't know if it is the slight Slavic blood from my grandmothers side, which is effecting me, but i feel nice there.. my Russian is pretty poor though, but they appreciate it, if you speak even a little. And besides most of the Russians are trying to talk Estonian back to you. There are exceptions oof course, women mainly, who will not let go of their point of view and stubbornly keep telling... speak in Russian... no estonian ... And the talking themes tend to go over and over again to aljoša and the new cross of liberty on Vabaduse väljak. Actually aljoša is not mentioned that much anymore. People are now pissed off at the government who "wasted" that much money in MASU times to build a glass cross. They have a point there, but they don't understand the need of that statue and the square to Estonians. And it is very hard to explain without getting too much into a conflict.

But kaerajaan, can-can and a spagaat at 3AM in Forum is worth it and is so COOL. And the DJ .. oh my is he fantastic - a man of about 40 with big black mustache, who comes about 1 AM in weekends, sings a quarter of the songs himself... not bad by the way... and occasionally also puts estonian Nuude style songs on... and waltzing in Forum .. hahaha.... there's a thing to dare...

Its fantastic!!!!!!!

I wouldn't dare to go there alone, so thank YOU for coming with me.

some pics from today

I like this road



My new bike!!!!!!!!!!!!

WC and books

Well... what a pity :( Our decathlete Pahapill got a big round 0 in longjump... I'm sad, since he was quite a big hope for us. But he still has a bright future, for sure.

About books...
I'd really like to do the Camino di Santiago for once in my life... Browsing through Coelho's book over and over again... and the need rises more and more in me to go there one day and to feel the experience in order to find the real me...

Speaking of finding the real me. I just started reading a new textbook: Introduction to Paleobiology and the Fossil Record. WOW... I just feel, i have maybe done a little bit wrong choice in my life. I am really enthusiastic about fossils. I have been for my whole life. I remember being just a small kid, when i was able to concentrate in looking for fossils for hours and hours.... it was just soooo much fun for me. And i feel that maybe it is time for me now to finally shift my focus in a field i have been always that enthusiastic about. Besides the background of biology is only good :) We will see.

But now im off to try out my new bike.. and maybe to take some pictures. I hope to find again also the joy of photography again... it would be nice.

Maybe later i will add some pictures then :)

projects

I definitely do not like writing projects. Bats along water bodies in Tallinn, how many, when, which species, which methods, calculations, fancy words for justification... uh ... filling in the papers is not for me. I like the fieldwork. And I'd rather do origami with all the papers :)

But i love it that the students I'm working together are enthusiastic. Its fantastic... and i love to see, i have actually done something and i have actually established some new interests and enthusiasm in students. That feeling is wonderful.

but papers... i don't like them.

NHTMTÜ :)

morning

Gerd got it on the first try. Really nice. I hope he can beat all of them in the final.

I feel kind of nice today. More peaceful, than usually, which is really really cool. mmm... i ow some of that to one conversation yesterday. At one point i was laughing my heart out, eyes in tears... i hope i didn't wake the neighborhood up in the middle of the night to a hysterical giggle. :) But thank you, really thank you very much... hah .... i hope it will be better from now on.

and there is one more person in Estonia, who really likes Hair. It would be nice to get to know her. But that is kind of complicated.

i hope all my positive thoughts will not go away now, when i enter the mess in my kitchen and realize i have only half an hour to establish some order. Superwoman comiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing

hah..

new ride

So i have a new bike. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUh cool :). I still stared at all the rougher bikes, but my friend suggested to buy this one. (by the way.... thank you soooo much Kert... really. You are awesome) Agues it makes sense though. Most of the time i am on better roads. BUT I SOOOO LIKE TO RAM IN TO THE MUDDY ROADS WHICH ARE IN A BAD CONDITION AND TO GIVE MY BIKE A CHALLENGE. Eh i will not be doing that with this one. But still. i am happy. Now all that lies ahead is to start going out more often to finally get myself into shape.
I will be adding pics later.

How can i make myself to feel happy... alone, but happy? i have to find a way.

Tomorrow Rauno and Oll are coming over. We have to put together some plans.


now i have to force myself calm (i am like a stormy sea inside, all feeling mixed inside... ) and wait for the 100 final for women.

HAHAAAA.. i have a blog now...

Well the truth is, that i have no idea, what to write here, but time will tell i hope.

It's a strange day today. I still can't manage to work properly since my mind is allover the place. All over in other places, but not in the reports i have to write. Why is this day any stranger than yesterday? Because for the first time in quite a long time, i feel i have to take control somehow and change things. Not to let myself get hurt over and over again.

You are a mighty king of contradiction, when it comes to me.

But now, I'm off to buy a new bicycle for myself. The old one got stolen day before yesterday. Agues the guy who took it hopefully needed it then. Bah. I can't survive without a bike.

I'm off.... see you later